Amazon Wine Ruins Lives

Are you familiar with Amazon? Are you familiar with Amazon’s 1-click ordering system? If not, suffice to say, Amazon is led by evil geniuses* who have perfected their business model, which is to make you buy things you don’t need. Because it’s so easy.

1-Click ordering is automatically enabled on your account when you place your first order on Amazon.com and enter a payment method and shipping address. If you click the Buy now with 1-Click button on any product page, your order will be automatically charged to the default payment method on your account and shipped to the default address.

In other words, with just a single click of your mouse, you can buy anything. Or really, you can panic buy anything. You can buy unnecessary dish towels. You can buy a $70,000 television. The product(s) will show up on your doorstep. You will weep and question your life decisions.

If you think I am typing this as if I know from experience, I do. A year or two ago, Robert and I came home from work to find a mysterious package on our doorstep. From Australia! We looked at each other accusatorily. Which one of us was just ordering things from the other side of the globe without telling the other? We both claimed innocence. We tentatively opened the package to discover…

The Castle, a 1997 Australian comedy that gained widespread acclaim in Australia and New Zealand but was not widely distributed globally. It is one of our favorite movies, addressing themes close to our hearts including love of, and pride in, home and family**. Then it hit us. A few weeks previous, we drank one (or two) too many bottles of red wine, and together, we ordered the DVD off of Amazon.com. We value this movie and have watched it numerous times. But an important lesson was learned. No more surfing the internet drunk! Next time, we might not be so lucky. Next time, we might not discover a cherished feature film, but rather, Chair Fitness with Blanche Black. Chair fitness probably seems like a really great idea when you’ve been drinking all night. All you need is a chair!

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, everything was going fine and dandy for me (you know, relatively speaking) until yesterday when I discovered that Amazon is conspiring to ruin my life with the launch of Amazon Wine.

If you’re an aficionado of red wines, we have just the selection for you, from dry red wine to sweet red wine across multiple varieties. Browse through many varieties of red wines, such as Cabernet Sauvignon, Pinot Noir, Merlot, Malbec, Sangiovese, Syrah, Zinfandel, Cabernet Franc, Tempranillo, and Grenache.

Sounds pretty personal, doesn’t it? I guess the title of this post should actually be: Amazon Wine and 1-Click Ordering Results in My Hysteria, Ruins My Life. What I am trying to say is: we are in big trouble. Now, when I am drinking wine, it will only take 1-click to get myself more wine. No more walking down the street. No more getting in the car. I don’t have to put on shoes. Heck, I don’t even have to change out of my pajamas. Not to mention, with the convenience of 1-day shipping, I will enjoy near immediate results! This is very frightening.

There is only one thing standing between me and spending all of our money on wine from Amazon: they don’t ship to Maryland yet. I’ve never been so thrilled about Maryland’s reticence to embrace the direct wine shipment industry. Our state only began allowing wineries to ship directly to its residents last year.

This issue isn’t unique to Maryland. Amazon’s previous attempts at online wine sales (in 2000 and 2009) failed, in part, because of their inability to comply with state-level regulations, fees, and registrations. So, what’s different this time? Most notably, Amazon is only serving as a central clearing house. The wines are sold directly from a winery and/or retail shop. Previously, Amazon had attepted to handle all of the fulfillment, storage, and shipping logistics. They are putting the onus on the seller to take care of these items, this time around.

What this means for you and I as consumers is that Amazon can’t combine fulfillment orders from different wineries. Orders from a different wineries and retail stores will be shipped separately. You could conceivably order six different bottles that would be delivered to you in six different packages.

For the time being, I’ll stick with Bounty Hunter. Their “archaic” online ordering system makes me re-enter my billing and shipping information for every new purchase. Plenty of time to re-think an impluse buy.

*It’s not slander. It’s a compliment.
**Seriously, watch this movie. It will change your life.

2 Comments

  1. This is trouble. Trouble I want in my life. Come on, Maryland. Get it together.

  2. Pingback: The Nose Knows

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